Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Rules of parenting: Tips on feeding children

Children are such angels, aren't they?  Yeah, mine are, too.  And they eat everything I make for them!  How do I do it?  By following these no-fail tips on what to feed your sweet angel:

1)  Basically if it has parsley or any other tiny green, black, brown or red specks in it you might as well throw it in the garbage.  Because no one is going to eat it.

2)  Any kind of soup or sauce had better match the color of your toddler's shirt.  Trust me on this.

3)  If it's got any kind of string, leaf or seed in it, it will end up on the floor.   So if you think they are eating it, take a look under your child's chair.  As my great-grandfather used to say, "Now you see it, now you don't."  Oh, you'll see it.

4)  Chicken nuggets are a food group unto themselves.  So are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  And pizza.  If your kid doesn't like any of these then you'd better take him/her to the doctor because there is something very wrong.*

5)  Even a 'little bit of cheese' is too much.  A 'little bit of...'  well anything is also too much.  The exceptions are butter, salt and sugar.  Kids love these spices so don't be afraid to use them.  They're on the food pyramid somewhere.

6)  Bread and butter is a great dinnertime option.  Mommy needs to feel like you ate something today, sweetheart.

7) Macaroni and cheese is best when it's the boxed kind.  Don't bother to make it from scratch, you will end up crying alone in your room. 

8)  Don't make anything from scratch.  Only use pre-made, frozen, boxed or canned foods.  In fact it's best if you just have to add water and microwave the damn thing so you can feel like you've cooked something.  Kids love preservatives and it will make them live longer.**

9)  Kids love to go to Grandma and Grandpa's for mealtime.  So feel free to indulge them that one request.  The grandparents love this and will probably feed your kid something healthy like an ice cream sundae.  Win-win!

10)  When all else fails put the kids to bed and drink a few glasses of wine.  That's mommy's best medicine.  Oh, you thought it was hugs?

*I am not a doctor but I like to google things on the internet so I can pretend I am.